Elf Blood

Aloha everybody, hope you’re all well!

I’m really glad I’ve got art and writing as an outlet. I’m fully convinced that if I didn’t have these venues to express myself through, my brain would’ve exploded from the pressure of all the ridiculous thoughts inside it. Whether it’s telling a story here, or drawing landscapes, or writing (admittedly not brilliant) prose, it gives me something to focus on, to help me blot out the bad bits and escape a little.

I’ll happily admit that, by most measures, the bad bits of my life are nothing compared to the hardships of others; I consider myself to be incredibly lucky. I had great parents, I’ve got a good job, and I’ve got the best readers anyone could ask for.

But there’s still one massive thing missing, and it’s something I’ve struggled with for what seems a very, very long time. I’m absolutely useless at the game of romance. I mean really, truly rubbish at it. I’ve heard all the advice, I’ve had all the freakouts, and ultimately it feels like I’ve just given up at it altogether just to try and defend my fragile, fragile ego. Yet the emptiness, the sucking void of loneliness still sits there.

Now, some people try and placate me with platitudes, and yet others use the old standby ‘What makes you think dating will solve all your problems’. While well-meaning, these are pointless statements that serve only to infuriate those who they are commonly aimed at. Yes, there are plenty more fish in the sea and I have a rod (har har), I’m just overcome by crippling fear every time I’m supposed to set foot on the shoreline. Yes, there are many people you would recommend me to, but the fact is that I wanted to be with YOU and not any of your friends. No, I’m not a goddamn moron, I fully understand that life consists of more than dating and am capable of grasping the notion that having a partner is not a panacea.

While it doesn’t tend to help, at least such advice is meant in a positive spirit, and I’m grateful for that. Well, except maybe for the second one, which was delivered with a healthy dose of “we need to talk” and “it’s not you it’s me”. What really, truly infuriates me, is when I take the decision to try and do something about it, and look for advice. And I wind up reading page upon page about how I’m a loster, a wimp, overly-sensitive, and I should be an arrogant, condescending jerkbag if I want to attract people. Or, I’m handed yet more platitudinal garbage. “Just be yourself” is a popular one; while there is perfect sense in that, that was explained very well to me in therapy, unfortunately people on t’internet seem to have taken it rather too literally. To the extend that the joke “I’ve BEEN myself for the past 25 years” is no longer funny, but a jaded response.

It then struck me, as my mood spiralled from what was an otherwise great workday; I’ve been trying to get advice from the internet. I’ve never asked my coupled friends for advice, more or less on the grounds that I’d feel incredibly embarassed to do so. Even more cringeworthy would be asking them to set me up. I’d get angry, and claim that I was perfectly capable of managing on my own, although let’s face it, I’m patently not.

Perhaps this is the wrong forum for me to be venting my dissatisfaction. After all, you’re here to be entertained, and there’s probably very little less entertaining than a whining creator! But I think understanding me, and my thought process, helps to understand the comic as a whole. Notice how straight-forward everyone’s romantic relationships are in Elf Blood? Epic wish-fulfilment. I just like to think that I’ve at least couched it in the plausibility of plot, characterisation and world-building. But if you see my own frustrations creeping into the comic, call me out on it if it stops you from enjoying! Yes, Elf Blood is my creation, but I’m writing it for you guys to enjoy; I don’t want it to be all about me. and my hangups!

Anyway, that’s probably enough ranting for one evening. I’d best be off!

Stay awesome guys, and have a great weekend!

M.