Elf Blood

So I’ve started trying to find a date, again. This time, trying another dating site.

I’ve been told many times that dating is easy: You just need to go out, find somebody and ask them out. This advice, right enough, was given by people several shades more… Well adjusted, normal, than I. I can’t stand trying to find a date. It fills me with such dread and terror that I just drive myself into a state of complete shutdown. I’m not the world’s greatest dater, as  you may well have gleaned: I’ve only had four girlfriends, and two of them were in high school.

I guess a large part of it is that I hate feeling rejected. And it’s nothing to do with me thinking that I’m some sort of gift to women, far from it. It just reinforces the subconscious feeling I constantly have that I’m not cut out for relationships, that I’m not attractive even as a personality, that I’m never going to get anywhere.

Of course, the conscious, logical part of me knows that’s not entirely true, and constantly tells the other part of me to shut up and get on with work. But ever in the back of my mind niggles the fact that no, I never really did ever learn how to date. I’m so afraid of getting hurt again, because I’ve never really had much control in a relationship: I always feel that I’m trying to match up to the girl’s expectations, and never quite reaching them.

This, obviously, is not a healthy state of affairs: Indeed, I have suffered from insomnia as a result. It’s a double whammy with my already tenuous attachment to my sense of self-esteem, and can really sabotage me for days at a time. I guess, basically, the point of this semi-emotional rant is: Anyone got any advice? Preferably from people who have come from the depths of nerdity to find happiness in a relationship, but I’m happy to field advice from anyone, anyone at all!

Anyways, hope you enjoyed today’s page, and don’t forget to go check out today’s MB!! Magazine. Today’s the BIG ARTICLE, and it focuses on Freedom of Speech.

See y’all!

M.