Hola all, this is just a quick and dirty post as it’s now 0209 and I have to get up in less than four hours for work. I’ll update the rant later on today, as I do have something prepared, just not the time to type it right now!

Enjoy today’s page!

M.

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UPDATE
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Apologies for not including some text on Friday itself, but as indicated it was rather late and I needed the sleep!

All throughout last week, my mood has been dropping quite considerably. And as always, the cause is the same: I start thinking about how lonely I actually am, then I begin questioning the worth of the work that I’m doing, then I start questioning how good I actually am, and it all spirals out from there until I’m a twitching, nervous ball of self-loathing and doubt. I do realise that a lot of this is not accurate, and I have always tried my best to stop myself from slipping down this pathway as it impacts quite heavily on my productivity and generally does not feel nice.

In order to combat this most recent emotional downturn, I decided to make an effort and follow some advice given to me. I took another look at some dating sites, since I have trouble approaching people I’m attracted to at bars etc.

Holy crap. I read some of the testimonials. Holy crap. Two marriage proposals within a week of joining? You accepted one of them straight away? You think you’re going to be happy?? Holy crap. While I can safely say that reading the testimonials did not improve my mood much or give me that much more hope, they definitely made me realise I’m a hell of a lot less desperate than some souls out there. While I don’t think I can claim that unduly high standards are my main problem anymore, one surely must have some standards?

Or, just to reverse the angle on this, perhaps I’m just letting myself get put off so that I don’t have to try dating? Because I’ll freely admit it:

I’m scared.

The thought of going out with somebody terrifies me. Not because I’m scared of commitment, or love, or whatever. I think I’m scared of disappointing someone. Scared of the inevitable rejection. It’s not that I’ve not been rejected before; I’m quite good at taking constructive criticism on my work. But when I fail in the romantic arena, it just makes me feel like a terrible person.

But hey, the online NHS tool tells me I’m not actually depressed. Who am I to argue?

Anyway, rant over, and another week dawns. Maybe I’ll find a way to overcome all my little neuroses. More miraculous things have happened, eh?

M.